IOW blogger

It’s that time of the year when we reflect on our lives and make a proactive decision to do better in the next 12 months.  Was it only this time last year that I made a similar plan and how successful was I? Well, not successful at all I’m afraid – although I have managed to eat less scotch eggs, which let’s face it, is not necessarily the most outrageous of vices.  However, as it’s a new decade I’m determined to stick to my resolutions with a renewed vigour befitting of a man of my maturity and responsibility. It’s snowing heavily outside so I can only write for a while before the office is evacuated.

Eat Less Crisps

Unfortunately, I’ve been trapped down a bit of a crisp “cul de sac” in the last few years. I am only human after all and the variety as we enter the 2nd decade of the 21st century is remarkable.  However, a packet every lunch time is simply unacceptable.  Whilst the calorie count on a regular pack of cheese and onion walkers is 181 (not too bad) and its carbon footprint is fairly low (80g) – the salt and saturated fat levels cannot be good.  Besides it’s an expensive yearly habit-  45 x 7 x 52= £163.80.   Instead I could buy a decent 2nd hand wii on ebay.  In fact that’s what I’m going to do.

Eat Less Mayonnaise

I’ve been cold turkey since December 27th, which is a shame, because mayonnaise is delicious on cold turkey.  It’s also nice on tuna, chicken, burger, chips, pizza, fried fish, kebabs, bacon, all meat products, all vegetables, all salads, etc, etc. It’s probably even nice on cornflakes, but I’m not going there.  Unfortunately, despite its unrivalled versatility – mayonnaise is your nemesis if you’re attempting to lose weight.  Don’t eat it, don’t go near it, don’t even look at it!  Which is difficult because it’s on every prepacked sandwich available, and tastes jolly nice on them!
 

Eat Less Burgers

Contrary to what you may think, I’m actually a pretty healthy eater, apart from the mayonnaise, crisps and burgers.  Unfortunately, the burgers I like probably contain your weight watcher’s points for the whole week!  It has to be a half pounder, with another quarter pounder and cheese and bacon and mayonnaise and anything else I can fit in it.  Best served with thick chips (which I should also eat less of) and more mayonnaise.  So alas, this gastronomic delight has to go, although I’m definitely having one on my birthday. And a very special one at that!

Not Going to Ikea

Shopping at Ikea has taken several years off my life.  Despite its labyrinth wonder of brightly coloured bric-a-brac splendour, its not a good place to be.  Especially if you’re with young children, a dog and an elderly person on crutches complaining that the meatballs in the cafe are too small.  My local Ikea is the one off the Purley Way (another place I’m determined to spend less time at) and the very moment the twin chimneys appear in my peripheral vision, my blood pressure rises, I come out in cold sweat and start to twitch violently.  A terrible consumer paradigm has emerged – I’ll visit Ikea looking for a very specific item, like a child’s mattress and emerge several hours later with all manner of stuff I don’t need, such as porcelain owls, antique thimbles, cheese flatteners and badger shaped butter dishes. I once even bought a cabinet used exclusively for the storage of post it notes.  What an appalling waste of money!  But, it’s not going to happen, this year! I promise!  I promise!

Not Getting Angry in the Post Office

I do appreciate that the majority of post office workers do a fine job under very difficult circumstances, but the gruesome couple that own my local post office counter seem to do a very poor job under very easy circumstances.  The shop itself is quite strange and seems to sell everything from cat’s mittens to luminous masking tape, but curiously enough, not that many things like envelopes, address labels or when I go in, stamps.  There are always four people in front of me, either getting a thousand 5ps converted into pounds and sending enormous packages to Papua, New Guinea, prompting the staff to consult an atlas and haphazardly apply a ruler to it in order give an estimate of how long it will take to arrive; “ anytime between tomorrow and April 2013” seems to be the standard answer.  Surely this is not empirical science!  On my last visit, I incurred the wrath of one of the gruesome twosome by pressing my biro down too hard on a special delivery label. “What the hell are you doing”, she bellowed, “you’re going to compromise the shape of the envelope”!  An alarm went off and people started screaming and sending texts to their loved ones. I certainly compromised my mental health by taking my custom there in the first place. Never again! Never again!

Learning Another Language

Although I can speak O’level standard French,  “ bonjour, je suis Miles Matthews, je voudrais un grande bier, si- vous- plait et mon favourite doctor who est tennant de david” (I think), I have always felt ashamed that I tend to communicate in English whenever I go to another country. The overseas destination I’ve probably been to the most is Greece (more than 20 times over the years) and yet I always speak English to the good folk that live there , because they can speak it so well!  So its time to put my money where my mouth is and embrace the fantastic multi cultural utopia modern Britain is and learn, hopefully, Italian.  Italy is my second favourite European destination and the language sounds lovely.  No more “Can I have a big plate of lasagne please, mate” in a slightly dodgy accent next time I’m in Venice.

Tell us what your New Year Resolutions are for 2010?

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